I bought a small white cargo van.
Its name is Mariposa, like the small white flower from the lily family. It’s also the Spanish word for butterfly.
I don’t think of myself as a flower. Maybe a butterfly, like a symbol of rebirth or transformation, as I’m a recent survivor of Alzheimer’s Disease.
I didn’t have it. The love of my life, my husband, best friend, and amazing partner had it. Not the regular old person kind of Alzheimer’s that your cute grandma or uncle has. He got it young, as symptoms started when he was 49. He died 10 years later, only 8 days after he turned 60.
He didn’t have a chance to survive it. I did, but my chances weren’t great.
Mortality rates for a caregiver to survive past their loved ones range from 30-50%. Caregivers to their spouse with Alzheimer’s tend to be on the higher end of that scale.
That’s why I don’t think of myself as a flower, but my van sort of seems like one.
Early this spring I was solo hiking. Feeling down, looking down, when I came upon an open rocky field.
In between the unforgiving dry soil, gravel, and rocks, grew a single Mariposa flower. All alone and boldly facing up, straight up, I nearly stepped right on it. Its strong petals unabashedly flared open suggested an attitude of “Look at me. I’m not afraid.” I quickly diverted my boot from its random demise.
I converted my van into a camper. It’s my vehicle, literally and figuratively, to help me move forward. A verb,
Mariposa-ing.
Partly fulfilling plans made decades ago that included my husband, RVing, camping, hiking, cycling, and exploring the lower 48. The other part is simply to keep moving.
Anyone who’s grieving a great loss knows that the hardest part is just that – moving. The even harder part is moving forward.
We’re carrying a lot of heavy stuff so even getting out of bed some days qualifies.
@mariposa_ing is the continuation of my story on how a survivor and widow of Alzheimer’s can take grief and joy on the road, and how they’ll have to share a seat. Please consider following along. I’d love the company.
You can find my story @mariposa_ing on Instagram.
It is a private account right now, shoot me a message that you found me here, on my “sometimes” blog.
